Every day, every moment

Here’s the truth today, this moment, April 7th, 8:30 PM. As I’m eating dinner I’m thinking do I need to take a little more Humalog to cover the square of Lindt’s 85% chocolate I just gave in to or will my glass of wine balance me out?

Did the handful of cooked kidney beans I was noshing on before I had the time to get the fish in the broiler really, really raise me enough worth bothering to cover, after all I did walk six blocks to the library earlier in the day which was an impulsive, unexpected move on my part.  

Is there such a thing as an impulsive, unexpected move when you are insulin-dependent? What does six blocks buy me? .25 of a unit of Humalog? Need I factor that in if I don’t want to lose my kidney function? 

Every day, every moment, I have to think whether or not I need an insulin injection or so it feels; it’s not just injecting before meals as much as what have I just eaten and do I need to cover it? Am I going to walk down to the bank this afternoon? Damn, I don’t know where my blood sugar is right now, and at this moment I don’t want to have to care. I’m tired.

36 years tired, 24 hours tired, every 60 minutes tired. I sense there are many of you who know of what I speak. I will keep my chin up, but tonight, right now, I’m just too tired.

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